There used to be a time in my life when I could make myself do anything. I mean anything, unpleasant things, 16 hour shift things, reading things, thing things. I could will myself to focus on any task. Now I can look at a list of things I have made for myself and then look back at the clock and see that I have spent hours looking at that list. Self-talk use to be all the strength I needed.
The motivations have changed. The desires of my heart are different in so many ways. The things that use to be enough to will me along are not important enough any longer. These days I find myself longing to be able to just sit on a floor and hold babies. To make available opportunities for mamas, both new and seasoned, a space to build community in a creative way. To spend all the time I can just sitting in the same room with my own mini human.
I sit at the full time job just staring into to space. Just longing to be anywhere else. I am so stressed out by the things that I’m behind on, yet I can’t focus to get them done. But I cannot make it without this job. I need the insurance. I need the PTO.
I am thankful for this lesson of growth. This season were I am being stretched and challenged.